All pain, no gain.
Going into The Belko Experiment, my mind was racing as I imagined possibilities this movie could have. I bet there’s some crazy, ingenious twist, I thought- What if The Belko Experiment IS The Belko Experiment, and we’re the test subjects? Will this movie have a lot to say about corporations and their treatment of humans? Some subtle metaphor about 9-5 jobs and what they do to us? Sadly, about 3/4 of the way through this movie I realized that that was far more thought than anyone put into making it. Touted as “Office Space meets The Purge“, the only thing it has in common with either of those movies is that it takes place in an office (and John C. McGinley), and people kill each other- some unwillingly, others not so much. This movie is about as entertaining as an ISIS attack. Let me be very clear with you on this movie, since the trailers are incredibly misleading: this is not a dark comedy. It is exactly as straightforward as a movie about people having to kill each other can be.
Belko is set in the fictional city of Bogota, Colombia. I say “fictional” because I’m an American, and any place outside of White Europe might as well be fictional to us. We’re introduced to the group of employees through a slow-motion tracking shot, learning who everyone is based off of quick intros that give us a brief character snapshot of what to expect from each of them in the chaos. All around Belko’s interior are standard motivational posters, with sickeningly bland phrases like “Together we achieve more”, and one in particular stands out- “Business Without Boundaries”. I’ll say. I know corporations are evil and all, but a Kill ‘Em All-style murder experiment is a new low. This is what our bailout money is going towards?!
Right, the characters. The group is comprised mostly of boring-ass stereotypes; every time you think there will be an interesting development in a character, they either die or turn out to be just one-dimensional caricatures/archetypes. There’s a stoner character who says typical Movie Stoner bullshit (“Man! Fucking come on maaan! Fuck, man! What the fuck, maaaaannnnn?!”) delivered in his best Shaggy impersonation, there are a couple of pacifists, there are the standard Office Alpha Males, John C. McGinley’s creepy, veiny-penis-armed Wendell being one (I like to describe him as Fat-Jacked), along with the head honcho of this particular building who’s an “ex special forces” guy.
There is somewhat of a protagonist in the form of the one seemingly normal guy who is constantly trying to solve their problems, only to be met with “What the fuck are you doing, have you lost your mind?” every time he tries anything other than crying, pissing his pants, or killing someone. I suppose we’re expected to actually give a shit about him because he’s the only one who actively objects to killing innocent people based on a voice from the intercom, and because he was totally bonin’ that hot Mexican broad in her office.
The Belko Experiment is extremely disappointing in it’s execution of a really interesting premise- another Trolley Dilemma movie (Philosophy nerds are having the best couple of months right now) involving graphic violence in slow motion set to the backdrop of the occasional opera song. I was actually fairly excited to see this movie, and genuinely expected this movie to be a dark comedy based on the trailers, or at least explore what would happen to people who have been stuffed in this sardine can, corporate setting for so long that they’re just dying to get their hands bloody. If you put me in a cubicle for 9 hours a day, surrounded by fakeass Office Speak and a bunch of repressed males who have become neutered, I’d want to start the experiment myself. Perhaps I’m the only one who got that vibe, but Belko legitimately makes zero attempt at comedy. The only time I even forcibly exhaled through my nostrils was a shot where graffiti in the women’s bathroom read “Belko sucks my vag.” You and me both, sister. (There was one other time I laughed when one character begs another one not to die on him. “No no no! Don’t die, don’t die!”- Oh shit! I’m glad you said something, I really didn’t feel like dying today.)
It sets itself up as a movie grounded in reality: there’s no hyper-stylized killing sprees, nobody really seems to take any genuine glee in their killing, the end result of which is that the violence just feels like…well, violence. This begs the question: why? What was the point of this movie? It doesn’t have anything to say, there’s no clever twists, it lacks any of your standard dark comedy tropes, or comical over-the-top gore. Much to my chagrin, the answer to that question came in the last 3-5 minutes of the movie- that answer, unfortunately is money. After the chaos is over, I’m not exaggerating when I say that everything that happens post-experiment wraps up in about 5 minutes, shoehorning in a stupid, run-of-the-mill ending that leads directly into a sequel. No thanks, I’m fine with this being my only foray into the Belko company.
I was really looking forward to a goofball gorefest a la Planet Terror or Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil. I was willing to watch a planet of people Purge the shit out of each other, if it was perhaps a bit silly or had endearing murderers at its center. Sadly, I think my eyes might have been bigger than my stomach on this one, Morty. When your film lacks a clear protagonist, is grounded in reality, and any emotional investment into a character’s story arc inevitably leads to them suddenly dying, it’s really hard to give a shit. It starts right out with the experiment, never giving us a reason to give a shit, and abruptly ends with nothing more than a cheap “Save your money for the sequel now, kids!” It’s all premise- no payoff and no reward. All pain, no gain. The biggest positive to reviewing this movie is that at the end, it occurred to me that I really can’t lose doing these reviews- either the movie is good and therefor hard to shit on (in which case I just got to watch a good movie), or it’s a pile of shit and my job is now super easy. How’s that for a corporate Mission Statement?
You Should See This Movie If: You’re the type of person who posts gore to 4chan, anxiously awaits the next beheading video put out by jihadis, or just generally speaking enjoys watching people suffer.
You Should Not See This Movie If: You liked Office Space, Battle Royale, or The Purge and were excited about their potential spiritual predecessor- or you’ve ever romantically pursued someone who was very attractive, only to discover that they’re just as boring as you feared.
FOUR THUMBS DOWN
Really Bad Reviews 