Take a seat right over there, Hollywood. We’re all here because we love you.
Hey man, it’s me. I know we haven’t been close in quite some time. We’ve both been busy with our lives, but I’ve been following your work from a distance for a while now, and it’s obvious that you’re currently going through some heavy stuff. When we were younger you were funny, original, artsy, clever- you were the coolest dude around. Everyone looked forward to seeing you; you made us laugh, made us cry, wow’ed us with your awesome stories, blew our minds with clever twists, impressed us with your unique special effects. Sure, you put out the occasional Marketing Campaign Movie for a toy-line, or a garbage romantic comedy, but at the end of the day you actually cared about quality entertainment. You were willing to try new stuff, and because of that we ended up with a bunch of movies that everyone now considers classics- The Greats.
Look man, I get it. It must tough- you crank out a couple thousand of these movies and eventually you’re bound to get a bit cynical and nihilistic. “Who gives a shit about originality? All these idiots want is the same thing repackaged over and over again. I’m not taking any more risks on something new and losing my investment”, I can hear you saying. I understand that the consumers are partially to blame- after all, they’re the ones who keep paying to see reboots and retellings and prequels and sequels and formulaic bullshit. Lately, however, you’ve been getting a bit out of control. Y’know, you experiment a little bit with a couple of really fun, seemingly harmless things. It pays off alright for you, so you say “Alright, just one or two more times, and then that’s it.”
It’s never quite that simple, is it? The high is too good, and at first nothing bad comes of it- so you come back to it a little more often. Initially it’s easy and safe. “It’s no big deal, I’ll just go back to writing original screenplays in a couple weeks. For now I’m just cutting loose a little.” Right.
I remember vividly the first time I saw you do it. I was 10 years old, the year was 1999. I looked up to you, hell I even admired you. In my eyes, you could do no wrong. I came into the theater wide-eyed with anticipation, excited beyond belief. A beloved franchise that I grew up with was being continued, and their origin stories were about to be told! However, even as a young boy, I knew something wasn’t quite right. While I was too young to identify exactly what was happening, I still felt a bit dirty and uncomfortable. It was the cinematic equivalent of being violated. Maybe you remember that day- it was still pretty early on in your “experimentation”.
At first, things were pretty okay. I didn’t mind too much, my love for Star Wars outweighing any disappointment I may have had. You may not have been proud of what you did; in fact, at the time, you may have even thought that you were doing the right thing. For a couple more years, things were alright. You still kind of had your shit together, but alas- the high was too appealing. Then in 2003, you did this:
I can already hear you saying “Hey, come on! What’s the big deal? It was a fun, lighthearted retelling of a classic heist film! It didn’t do too bad!” You already had a taste for the high, and it was starting to become more appealing than real work. The kids love a good heist movie, and all the Baby Boomers would be sure to flock to theaters to watch this remake of a classic from their adolescence. Unfortunately, “not too bad” started to become your goal. A safe bet started to become preferable to originality. After all, $176 million sure “wasn’t too bad” for the early 2000’s.
But there’s another atrocity I’ll bet you think I don’t remember from around the same time. Oh, but I do. Kids are impressionable and receptive, after all. After the success of The Mummy (which itself was an, albeit loose, remake of a 1931 movie) and The Mummy Returns, you thought you’d return to the pond a little bit to drink from that sweet, sweet spinoff money. You grabbed a professional wrestler who was vaguely brown and might pass as a Movie Egyptian, and off you went.
C’mon man. These days, I hardly even recognize you. You’ve been spending a ton of time with Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Kevin James. We’re tired of hearing “I know what I’m doing! It’ll be okay!” We’ve heard it all before- every excuse in the book. I know how it is, you hit a little bit of a midlife crisis- all your kids are considered classics & are out of the house, and you’ve been running around with all these supple, young reboots. I know that a string of meaningless flings with attractive young reboot characters seems appealing, but I promise it’s more rewarding to pursue a fulfilling relationship with a quality, original character.
Lately, Hollywood, it seems like you’ve lost your passion for creativity and you’re dragging yourself in to work all the time just for the money. I started a list of your spinoffs, reboots, prequels, midquels (Rogue One)- you may not remember all these, but for the rest of us, these painful memories are still very raw.
- 3:10 To Yuma
- 21 Jump Street
- Alice Through the Looking Glass
- The Amazing Spider-Man
- The Amityville Horror
- Assault on Precinct 13
- Bad News Bears
- Batman Begins
- Battleship
- Beauty and the Beast
- Bedazzled
- Ben-Hur
- Black Christmas
- Blade Runner
- Carrie
- Casino Royale
- Chloe
- Clash of the Titans
- Conan the Barbarian
- Dawn of the Dead
- Dark Water
- Day of the Dead
- The Day the Earth Stood Still
- Death at a Funeral
- Death Race
- The Departed
- Dinner for Schmucks
- Disturbia
- Dracula Untold
- Dredd
- Evil Dead
- Fantastic Four (twice)
- Footloose
- Four Brothers
- Friday the 13th
- Fun with Dick and Jane
- Get Carter
- Ghostbusters
- Godzilla (twice)
- Gone in 60 Seconds
- The Grudge
- Halloween
- The Hills Have Eyes
- The Hitcher
- Hitman: Agent 47
- The Hobbit
- House of Wax
- I Am Legend (redone three times)
- The Incredible Hulk (twice)
- Independence Day: Resurgence
- Indiana Jones
- I Spit On Your Grave
- It
- Insomnia
- Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
- Jason Bourne
- Jumanji
- The Jungle Book
- Jurassic World
- The Karate Kid
- Kong: Skull Island
- The Ladykillers
- Last House on the Left
- Let Me In
- The Lone Ranger
- The Longest Yard
- The Manchurian Candidate
- Mad Max: Fury Road (I will defend this movie until my death)
- Man of Steel
- The Mechanic
- Mirrors
- Mr. Deeds
- The Mummy (a remake of the remake coming this year)
- My Bloody Valentine
- A Nightmare on Elm Street
- Night of the Living Dead (twice)
- Ocean’s Eleven (and Twelve, and Thirteen, and an all-girl remake in the works)
- The Omen
- One Missed Call
- Oz
- Pathfinder
- Planet of the Apes (once in 2001, three more in the last 5 years)
- Point Break
- Poltergeist
- Punisher (twice)
- Wanted
- Poseidon
- Premonition
- Power Rangers
- The Producers
- Prom Night
- Psycho
- Pulse
- Pusher
- Quarantine
- Red Dawn
- Red Dragon
- The Ring
- Rings
- RoboCop
- Rollerball
- Secret in Their Eyes
- The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
- Shutter
- Sideways
- Solaris
- Spider-Man: Homecoming
- Star Trek (four since 2000)
- Street Fighter
- The Stepford Wives
- Straw Dogs
- Star Wars
- The Sum of All Fears
- The Legend of Tarzan
- Taxi
- The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Terminator: Genisys
- Thir13een Ghosts
- Tomb Raider
- Total Recall
- Transporter: Refueled
- True Steel (seriously? Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots?)
- Vanilla Sky
- Walking Tall
- War of the Worlds
- What Women Want
- The Wicker Man
- X-Men (seriously, how many fucking timelines are there?)
- Zoolander
This has gone on long enough, don’t you think? That list is, of course, incomplete and only accounts for the year 2000 and sooner. It also doesn’t include every movie under each franchise. Yeah, it’s pretty obvious by now, man- you need help. Professional help. You stole a couple hundred dollars out of my wallet! Nobody asked for a dark, gritty reboot of Power Rangers, but here we are. These stories have all been done already, but in your stupor, you went ahead and told it for the 5th time, completely oblivious to the fact that we’d heard you tell it already. I don’t know if you’re just blacking out, or whether you’re doing this on purpose, but it’s gotten out of control. Your actors are sullenly dragging themselves back for these re-tellings, sighing as they cash another paycheck for a movie they didn’t want to do. Harrison Ford called me the other day, and he sounds incredibly worried about you. He said you’ve put him in no less than three reboots in less than 6 years?!
Listen, it’s obvious by now that you’re in some pretty deep denial about your struggles. I’ve got this friend who went through the same exact things you’re going through now; he’s been going to these meetings to help him come up with a fresh start before the critics and consumers eat him alive. The only other road is a complete collapse similar to Television’s fall a la Netflix. His name is Videogames, and I think he can help. I know it’s easy to just keep doing the same thing over and over again- it’s comfortable and familiar. Sometimes, however, we have to challenge ourselves to step out of our comfort zones and do what we know in our hearts to be right. I’ve known you since I was a kid, hell, I grew up with you, and I believe in you. Maybe if we help each other, I can go from the Guy Who Hates Movies to the Guy Who Believes In You. Good luck, old friend.
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